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Find happiness again...
Apologies to the Beatles, but as most couples can tell you, love is not all you need.
Any long-term relationship takes hard work, a lot of flexibility, and plenty of patience. In general, couples exist on a spectrum between "I" and "We"; the key is to strive for a healthy balance that strengthens the relationship and endures the ebbs and flows we all encounter. Communication is paramount in achieving this balance between togetherness and separateness. Here are a list of some of the most common topics covered in marital counseling: Balancing I and We Commitment/Trust Expectations Family and Friends Forgiveness Free Time Intimacy Finances Parenting Roles Spirituality Addictions/Health Issues In-Laws Which seem to be impacting your relationship negatively? What would you like to see different in your relationship? The foundation created helps give couples the tools to be able to generalize the work they do in therapy into everyday life. At the core we will learn how to L U V - Listen Understand Validate in order to create a healthier happier dynamic built on respect and mutual appreciation. Read on to learn a little more about this approach to couples' work. The PREPARE/ENRICH Workbook contains skill-building exercises and questions to both ponder individually and discuss as a couple during therapy. I encourage you to download this free copy to review. |
Listen
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Mindful listening This means you really pay attention to what your partner is saying. As difficult as it might be, suspend your own judgments and reactions to the situation or topic. Temporarily let go of the need to advise, change, help or fix the situation. Your own thoughts are put on the back burner; your focus, instead, is on your partner’s current experience. Show you are listening by stopping what you are doing (closing the laptop, turning off the TV), turning to face them, nodding your head, and making eye contact as they talk.
Understanding. This means you acknowledge what they’ve said or what they are feeling. You might say, “I can see you’re upset about this,” or “You seem discouraged” in response to their news about having to work over the weekend. Rather than trying to cheer your partner up, you allow them space to be upset. You seek to see the world for their point of view and ask clarifying questions to gain deeper knowledge. If your partner presents a problem or difficult situation to you, try to find out more about how they are feeling and what they want by asking open-ended questions. “What do you wish would happen?” “What was your reaction to that?” “How are you feeling about things now?” Gently asking questions to clarify their experience can be very gratifying for them. It shows you care and want to really understand. Show you understand. Use validating statements such as, “I would feel that way, too,” or “It makes sense to me that you’d feel that way given the circumstances” to let them know you see why they feel the way they do. You can also show validation with non-verbals, such as giving them a hug if they feel lonely, making them a cup of tea if they feel jittery, or giving them space if they need time to think. In the end, it’s about the way you interact together, much more so than what you do together. And it can make all the difference in your relationship. |
Emotional Validate
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Validation. While the concept of validation may seem simple, it can sometimes be a little tricky to execute. Imagine your partner comes home and tells you they are furious because they found out they need to work over the holiday weekend. What is your first reaction? Many of us would feel protective of our spouse, or upset at the situation, and have the natural urge to try to help or fix the situation. You might offer advice on how to solve the problem. While it intuitively feels helpful to give suggestions, this can feel invalidating to your partner. Your partner may not be looking for help with a solution — they probably have already tried to find ways to solve the problem, and might feel even more frustrated in hearing advice, no matter how good your intention. So how do you effectively listen to and validate your partner? There are a few key components to help guide your conversations. Validating does not equal agreeing. An important distinction is that you can accept your partner’s feelings, but it doesn’t mean you need to agree with them. For instance, say that you go to see a movie together. Afterward, you discuss your thoughts about the film. Your partner found it entertaining and funny, while you found it boring and predictable. You might validate their point of view by saying, “It sounds like you really enjoyed the film. It wasn’t my favorite, but I can tell that you had fun watching it.” In this example, you’re acknowledging your partner’s enjoyment of something, without sharing the same sentiment. |
Relationship Conflict
Healthy or Unhealthy There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict. Conflict is a part of life. It exists as a reality of any relationship, and is not necessarily bad. In fact a relationship with no apparent conflict may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict. Conflicts are critical events that can weaken or strengthen a relationship. Conflicts can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and divorce. How the conflicts get resolved, not how many occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values.
Styles of Conflict Resolution:
Avoiding or denying the existence of a conflict.
Many people prefer to give in rather than struggle through the conflict.
Some people get mad and blame the other person.
Others are competitive and have to win. They use their power and influence to control and get their way.
Some appear to compromise but are subtly manipulative in trying to win more ground.
A few people can control their anger, competitive, I-give-up feelings and self- serving tendencies and genuinely seek a fair, optimal solution for both parties. This is a creative integrative approach.
Three Types of Healthy Solutions:
Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want.
No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner.
Healthy Conflict Resolution is easy to understand intellectually, but not as easy to apply and use consistently. It does however become easier once the skills and trust are developed. Both partners must view their conflicts as a problem to be solved by them. It isn’t getting the best deal for me; it is finding the best solution for us. They each must actively participate and make the effort and commitment to work hard together to find solutions that are fair and acceptable to both.
If you disregard, minimize or invalidate your spouse’s position, or if you must always get your way, you will damage your relationship. Your lack of sensitivity, consideration and respect of your spouse’s position will cause hurt and smoldering resentment. If fear and power is used to win, the relationship will be mortally wounded.
If you are just a willing giver constantly trying to keep your spouse happy by satisfying his/her needs and avoiding conflict, you will also damage your relationship. You will inadvertently teach your spouse to be insensitive to your needs and self-serving at your expense. Your self-esteem and self-worth will deteriorate. Resentment will fester, poisoning you to the relationship.
Attitudes Needed for Healthy Conflict Resolution:
Start with the right frame of mind. Approach the conflict as two equals working together to solve a problem. Don’t be so caught-up with your immediate want that you lose sight of and forget your more important want of having a long, healthy relationship. If you are too angry or hurt to be able to control your feelings and remain respectful let yourself calm down before dealing with the issue.
Handling a conflict with a loved one, or someone you want to have a good, long-term relationship with is different than negotiating with someone who doesn’t care about your needs, such as a used-car salesman. With a loved one you have to be concerned with his/her best interests. You both should be open, honest and remain respectful, not deceptive, manipulative or disrespectful. Mutual trust is a necessary core issue in a healthy, long-term relationship and neither partner should do anything to weaken it.
Having a negative, distrustful attitude is detrimental to this process: believing you must win the argument or otherwise lose face is a bad attitude; feeling superior or being hard nosed and feeling inferior or being a soft touch are also harmful approaches.
Stages of Healthy Conflict Resolution:
Identify the problem or issues. Have a discussion to understand both sides of the problem, conflicts, needs and preferred outcomes. Clarify to each other exactly what the conflict or problem involves. This is the initial stage where you say what you want and you listen to what your partner wants. The goal at this stage is for you each to clearly express what you each want and to understand what the other wants. Use I message language and avoid the blaming you messages. Also use your active listening skills when you listen to your partner’s side.
Generate several possible solutions. This is the creative integrative part. Drawing upon the things you both agree on and upon your shared goals and interests, look for several possible alternatives that might solve the problem. Avoid evaluating and judging each idea until it looks as though no more are going to be suggested. This is a brainstorming approach.
Evaluate the alternative solutions. Consider each suggested solution and eliminate those that are not acceptable to either of you. Keep narrowing them down to one or two that seem best for you both. In this stage you both must be honest and be able to say things like, "I wouldn’t be happy with that," or "I don’t think that would be fair for me."
Decide on the best solution. Select the alternative that is mutually acceptable to both of you. Make certain there is a mutual commitment to the decision.
Implement the solution. It is one thing to arrive at a decision, another to carry it out. Sometimes it is necessary to talk about how it is to be implemented. Who is responsible to do what and by when?
Follow-up evaluation. Not all mutually agreed upon solutions turn out to be as good as initially expected. Make it a routine to ask your partner how the solution is working and how he/she feels about it. Something may have been overlooked, misjudged, or something unexpected may have occurred. Both of you should have the understanding that decisions are always open for revision, but that modifications have to be mutually agreed upon, as was the initial decision.
Common Mistakes:
Not discussing with your partner the method used to resolve your conflicts.
Discovering too late that more information was needed, e.g., "I should have placed the order sooner, now they are sold out."
Being too invested in getting your way, or making extreme demands, and therefore not being able to be flexible enough to be fair with your partner.
Forgetting that there are usually several ways of doing things and that your own reality is not the only reality. We humans have a consistent tendency to believe that we are right and are being reasonable. You will be much more effective if you are willing to see the other person’s view.
Focusing too much on what you could lose and not enough on what you both could gain.
Believing the other person must lose for you to win.
Bringing in additional issues before resolving the one you started..
If you both stay true to your partner and true to yourself you should have a good, healthy relationship.
How to Express Difficult Feelings
Feelings Versus Thoughts and Beliefs Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release. Whenever someone says, "I feel that..." the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling.
Guidelines For Expressing Feelings
Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.).
Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I am angry" means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a "little irritated".
When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when he first hears "I am angry with you", and he could miss the message.
If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. It was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating".
Techniques for Expressing Feelings
The two following - I feel statements and I messages will help you:
Express feelings productively.
Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior.
Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person.
Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel.
Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem.
Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen.
When you first start using these techniques they will be cumbersome and awkward to apply, and not very useful if you only know them as techniques. However, if you practice these techniques and turn them into skills, it will be easy for you to express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.
Which of the two methods you use for expressing your feelings should depend on your goal, the importance or difficulty of your feelings and the situation.
These statements take the form of "When you did that thing I felt this way. That thing is a behavior of the other person, and this way is your specific feelings. Here are some examples:
"I felt embarrassed when you told our friends how we are pinching pennies."
"I liked it when you helped with the dishes without being asked."
"I feel hurt and am disappointed that you forgot our anniversary".
I Messages
It is called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. This is in contrast to a You message which focuses on and gives a message about the other person. When using I messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. A You message does not communicate a feeling, but a belief about the other person. The essence of an I message is "I have a problem", while the essence of a You message is "You have a problem".
There are four parts to an I message:
" When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you work on your personal affairs."
"I lose my concentration when you come in to ask a question, and I don’t like it. Please don’t interrupt me when I am working unless it is urgent."
"It is very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."
"I resent it when your flirting with the women keeps you from having time for your work, because it means more work for me."
Common Mistakes
Not expressing a feeling at all, expressing a belief or judgment.
Sending a disguised You message.
Only expressing negative feelings.
The nonverbal body language contradicting the words. For example, smiling when irritated.
Practice these techniques and turn them into useful skills. Make it easy for yourself to spontaneously express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.
How to Express Difficult Feelings
Feelings Versus Thoughts and Beliefs Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release. Whenever someone says, "I feel that..." the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling.
Guidelines For Expressing Feelings
Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.).
Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I am angry" means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a "little irritated".
When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when he first hears "I am angry with you", and he could miss the message.
If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. It was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating".
Techniques for Expressing Feelings
The two following - I feel statements and I messages will help you:
Express feelings productively.
Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior.
Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person.
Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel.
Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem.
Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen.
When you first start using these techniques they will be cumbersome and awkward to apply, and not very useful if you only know them as techniques. However, if you practice these techniques and turn them into skills, it will be easy for you to express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.
Which of the two methods you use for expressing your feelings should depend on your goal, the importance or difficulty of your feelings and the situation.
- I feel statements are used in situations that are clear and fairly simple, when you what to express yourself and avoid a buildup of feelings without attacking or hurting the self-esteem of the other.
- I messages are used in more complex situations to clarify for yourself and the other person just what you are feeling when a) you have difficult negative feelings, b) you confront someone and want them to change their behavior, and c) it is very sensitive and important that the other person accurately understand.
These statements take the form of "When you did that thing I felt this way. That thing is a behavior of the other person, and this way is your specific feelings. Here are some examples:
"I felt embarrassed when you told our friends how we are pinching pennies."
"I liked it when you helped with the dishes without being asked."
"I feel hurt and am disappointed that you forgot our anniversary".
I Messages
It is called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. This is in contrast to a You message which focuses on and gives a message about the other person. When using I messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. A You message does not communicate a feeling, but a belief about the other person. The essence of an I message is "I have a problem", while the essence of a You message is "You have a problem".
There are four parts to an I message:
- When ... Describe the person’s behavior you are reacting to in an objective, non-blameful, and non-judgmental manner.
- The effects are ... Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. (This is the most important part for the other person to understand - your reaction.)
- I feel ... Say how you feel. (This is the most important part to prevent a buildup of feelings.)
- I’d prefer ... Tell the person what you want or what you prefer they do. You can omit this part if it is obvious.
" When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you work on your personal affairs."
"I lose my concentration when you come in to ask a question, and I don’t like it. Please don’t interrupt me when I am working unless it is urgent."
"It is very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."
"I resent it when your flirting with the women keeps you from having time for your work, because it means more work for me."
Common Mistakes
Not expressing a feeling at all, expressing a belief or judgment.
Sending a disguised You message.
Only expressing negative feelings.
The nonverbal body language contradicting the words. For example, smiling when irritated.
Practice these techniques and turn them into useful skills. Make it easy for yourself to spontaneously express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.
Tips on Effective Listening "We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."
Brief Theory of Communication Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he/she does so to fulfill a need. The person wants something, feels discomfort, and/or has feelings or thoughts about something. In deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he/she believes will effectively deliver the message to the other person. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
Sources of Difficulty by the Speaker
Voice volume too low to be heard.
Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
Getting lost, forgetting your point or the purpose of the interaction.
Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
Sources of Difficulty by the Listener
Being preoccupied and not listening.
Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not understand.
The Three Basic Listening Modes
- Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
- In Passive or Attentive Listening we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We assume that we heard and understand correctly. but stay passive and do not verify it.
- Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
Listening effectively is difficult because people vary in their communication skills and in how clearly they express themselves, and often have different needs, wants and purposes for interacting. The different types of interaction or levels of communication also adds to the difficulty. The four different types or levels are.
- Clichés.
- Facts.
- Thoughts and beliefs.
- Feelings and emotions.
You’re lost, and you ask a stranger for directions.
Your child comes to you crying.
You are in trouble and someone offers to help.
Your spouse is being affectionate and playful.
Opposing council is cross-examining you in court.
If we don’t address the appropriate elements we will not be very effective, and can actually make the situation worse. For example: If your wife is telling you about her hurt feelings and you focus on the facts of the situation and don’t acknowledge her feelings, she will likely become even more upset.
There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from the other person’s own perspective. It is as if we were standing in the other person’s shoes, seeing through his/her eyes and listening through the person's ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and we may not necessarily agree with the person, but as we listen, we understand from the other's perspective. To listen effectively, we must be actively involved in the communication process, and not just listening passively.
We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and too often there is a misunderstanding that neither of us is aware of. With active listening, if a misunderstanding has occurred, it will be known immediately, and the communication can be clarified before any further misunderstanding occurs.
Several other possible benefits occur with active listening:
Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his /her position.
It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the other’s position when that person knows the other is listening and considering his/her position.
It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without criticism.
It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are diminished rather than magnified.
Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
If we accurately understand the other person’s view, we can be more effective in helping the person see the flaws in his/her position.
If we listen so we can accurately understand the other’s view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.
Listening Tips
Usually it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure accurate understanding of the message.
Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other persons:
- Account of the facts.
- Thoughts and beliefs.
- Feelings and emotions.
- Wants, needs or motivation.
- Hopes and expectations.
Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
Know when to quit using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it may be appropriate to respond with your own message. Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
Active listening is a very effective first response when the other person is angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in relationships that are important to you.
Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.
Relationship Quizzes and Inventories
Setting Goals
The TANGO method for communication
Love Languages
Does Your Marriage Work?
THE DIVORCE RECOVERY WORKBOOK