It feels like the emotional rug has been pulled out from underneath you. It is painful.
You may be struggling to go through the motions of your daily routine. Everything just feels different. Be patient with yourself as you go through this difficult time.
Telling the story of your breakup can be cathartic, especially if you're sharing it with a group of people who have also gone through a similar experience. But if it continues to be the only topic of conversation for weeks afterward, it could be detrimental to your recovery process. If you continue to lament about the relationship, you can become trapped in your story.
Instead I recommend this 7 day plan of jump starting your healing. It starts with the boundary of no communication with your ex during this 7 day period. We need to reserve some space for our feelings to process and for us to make this neurological shift.
Begin with this assessment:
Write result down___________
Theme: I am entitled to my healing.
Identify 3 feelings I am experiencing today. (Feeling wheel – use it!)
Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?
Repeat: I give myself permission to have these feelings with no judgment.
Something that I am grateful for in my life is…
Theme: I will focus on my long-term recovery.
I will do one act of self-care today.
What might holding on to my desire to want to reach out to her be protecting me from?
Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
Helpful Link: https://www.sharecare.com/health/stress-reduction/react-positively-to-stress
Theme: Living with my strengths
What does being strong mean to me?
Pull up your results to the strength inventory.(emailed)
*Each day from this day forward I will do one thing in line with my strength. I will do this for the next four days using my top 4 strengths.
Link to inventory: The key is to be authentic, so that you can derive the most from the experience.
Day 4: Theme: We can grieve loss in many ways
Review stages of grief and identify where you are at today in the stages. Remembering of course the stages are not necessarily linear and we may jump around in our process.
Label stage. Provide rationale why. Then write a compassionate self-statement to yourself.
Link to grief stages: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2018/6/applying-the-5-stages-of-grief-to-the-loss-of-a-relationship
Video on relationship grief- https://youtu.be/oQ2zJ13AfDI
Theme: Errors in our thinking
We know the big 10 cognitive distortions or unhelpful thinking styles
Which 2 do you find yourself using most often during this breakup?
Provide a thought, the label, and the reframe.
Link to unhelpful thinking styles: https://blog.iqmatrix.com/unhelpful-thoughts
Theme: My relationship needs
What are 5 things that you want in a future healthy relationship?
Link to article on non-negotiables: https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-are-your-relationship-non-negotiables/
Theme: My physical health and wellness
What physical health goals would you like to set for yourself?
What can you do today to start the process?
Complete a grounding exercise and/or one guided mediation.
Link to grounding exercises: https://www.livingwell.org.au/well-being/mental-health/grounding-exercises/
New Beginning Meditation: https://youtu.be/_kuyR8J5OBM
When done with the 7 days engage in this closing exercise:
Conjure up an image of your ex.
Then, find a nice, quiet space where you won’t be disturbed and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths and find peace and stillness. Focus on your heart and find love. Breathe from your heart.
In front of you, visualize a small stage, the kind that you did school plays on. You see this person in question walking out on the stage and then you see yourself walking out onto the same stage; you’re standing there opposite each other, looking at each other about three, four or five feet apart, then moving closer. In peace.
You’ll be able to see that there are cords connecting you and this other person. The cords may go from forehead to forehead, from throat to throat, heart to heart; the connection is going to be unique for the two of you. Sometimes the cords may even be entangled, like you’re bound together with a lot of rope.
In your mind’s eye, begin to cut them, starting at the top. Use whatever tool you need. It could be a knife. It could be a pair of scissors. Maybe even an ax. Anything. As you cut them, say, “I forgive you for everything” and hear the person say it back, “I forgive you for everything”.
You might find some cords are very hard to cut. Spend time. You might even have to come back later, but don’t worry. Feel the love in your heart and allow that person to just float up into the light.
And again, sometimes the cords are really hard to cut. What do you want to release? The control, the abuse, the pain…
We tend to want to hold on, even though it’s not healthy for us. Why? Fear perhaps? A killer of joy and bliss. We would rather live with crap than with what we believe is nothing. What is holding on preventing us from doing?
Remember, one space can only be filled with one thing, so every time you let something go you are inviting in something new. Make sure it is something better.
By cutting the cords, you are no longer standing in the way of your magnificence, standing in the way of you shining. Be empowered to let go and stand free. See yourself in the light- feel the warmth of healing.
End with this assessment:
Write result down___________